Fifteen for Fifteen

Today's post is dedicated to my friends at Double Dumbass who recently inspired me to analyze the Pirates inept personnel management skills over the recent years. After some fairly intensive research, and a lot of beer, I was able to compile a list of about two dozen intriguing moves (or non-moves in some cases) during the 15 year tailspin following the 1992 NLCS. I pared that list down to my top 15. Careful when reading this, as your emotions will range from amusement to bewilderment to complete and utter disgust. In seriousness, this list illustrates what my friend pointed out in his article...this team has no frigging clue how to maintain any stream of talent.

15. Tony Armas - I put A.A., Jr at the bottom of this list, because I really don't have a major problem with him, as most Pittsburgh media does. The 2007 acquisition of Armas typifies a tactic that the Pirate front office employs on a yearly basis, with generally less than favorable results. To understand this tactic, one most simply remember the acronym STIFF, short for Second Tier Investment For Free agents. Basically, STIFF represents the annually acquired journeyman player that the Bucs tout as a big investment, but is generally regarded in every other city as a role player, a cast off, or a STIFF. You will see a lot of these players on this list, and although they were generally obtained for much less cash than the front line guys get, they almost always result in a waste of money. I believe that some folks refer to this practice as "penny wise, dollar foolish." This off season the Bucs knew they needed a solid veteran arm to compliment the quartet of quality young starters. So, instead of spending the 7 to 8 million on that decent middle of the rotation guy, the PNC Park penny pinchers spent a whopping 3 million on Armas, who showed the ample return on investment by winning 4 games and posting an era of over 6. In typically Pirate ironic fashion, Armas did log 3 straight quality starts down the stretch, which the front office rewarded by sending Armas back to the bull pen. Armas' club option will not be exercised, thus closing this chapter as a 3 million investment netting 4 wins.

14. Barry Bonds. Ok, before the purists call for my immediate banishment from BlogLand, let me finish my thought. By the spring of 1992, we all knew that Barry was heading to the west coast, but my question here is why didn't the team make an all out effort to re-structure him into a long term deal after the 1990 MVP season, before he was free agency eligible. The net result here is that the Pirates let arguably the greatest player since Ted Williams slip out of town without a fight.

13. Cesar Izturis. This one really pissed me off. I think the only acceptable logic here was that this acquisition was to prep us for the trading of Jack Wilson. Since the team had already conceded any attempt to strive for 82 wins, one can only ask why prospect Brian Bixler was not the choice here. Oh, Wilson was never traded, in fact he was the hottest hitter in the majors for the final six weeks of the season, so for the most part, Cesar got paid the prorated portion of 3.2 million to sit next to Jim Tracy and re-live the fond memories of their Dodger days.

12. Matt Lawton. In November of 2004, the always frugal Buccos decided that they needed to trade Arthur Rhodes for Lawton and his 8 million dollar paycheck. Obviously, they felt that this 33 year old outfielder with the .267 career BA would be a cornerstone in the most current re-building process. Lawton was traded 7 months later for Jody Gerut, a man would only tally 4 more hits in entire career. Now that's 8 million dollars well spent.

11. and 10. Joe Randa, Episodes 1 and 2. This one takes some setting up, but you're going to love it.

EPISODE 1: The story begins in the winter of 1996, as the Bucs acquire a young third baseman named Joe Randa from the Royals in a multi player deal involving Jeff King. Randa earns the starting job on the '97 team, and leads the Battlins' with a .302 batting average while wielding a decent glove, and most importantly, only costing the team a meager $220,000. Now that's the kind of player the Pirates covet, right? WRONG! The Pirates reward Mr. Randa by leaving him unprotected in the expansion draft, losing him to the Arizona Diamondbacks. The Diamondbacks immediately trade Randa to Detroit for 5 time all star, Travis Fryman. Meanwhile, Randa eventually migrates back to the AL, where he logs 8 decent seasons as a starter, averaging around .290 over that time frame. And who was the Bucs' opening day third baseman in 1998, you ask? Doug Strange and his .173 BA. Yes, Strange indeed.

We aren't done yet, it gets better...

EPISODE 2: In the winter of 2005, the Pirate management group, now realizing the error in their ways, decide to make amends with Randa and re-acquire him at age 36 for 4 million, or to put it in perspective, around 20 times what he made in '97. Randa struggled with injuries and eventually lost his starting job to Freddy Sanchez during his incredible break out season. Ironically, and in typical Pirate bone headed fashion, GM David Littlefield maintained that although Sanchez was hitting .360 in late May, and playing centerstage in the best baseball story in Pittsburgh in years, the starting job would go back to Randa when he was healthy. Only after several hundred death threats, did Littlefield go mute on the re-instate Randa campaign. The Pirates would get 28 RBI's from Randa in exchange for that 4 million. Mind numbing...

9. Jose Hernandez, part 2. Remember this name, you will hear it again. Hernandez was brought back to the North Shore in 2006, because I think the front office just couldn't find a shittier way to drop $850,000. Don't take my word for it, check out his career stats. We're talking 200 more strikeouts than hits. Think Dave Kingman, without the power. Really? Was there no one else out there???

8. Derek Bell. Ah yes, Mr. Operation Shutdown himself. Bell defies rational thought. I think he was the poster child for greedy immature sports figures, until he became the poster child for felonious, prison bound sports figures. Once again, the Bucs were so intent on getting the STIFF, that they disregarded any homework in terms of analysis. Sources say that any background search would have revealed that Bell was an arrogant, unsavory bum with diminishing skills. Well done, guys, another 5 million down the Allegheny.

7. Chris Corn. Who??? Ok, in 1996, the Pirates selected Charlie Hayes to be their STIFF of the year. The front office plunked down 1.8 million on Hayes, which is on par for Pirate spending, since most free agent corner infielders were had for about 7 million a season in the mid '90s. Hayes threw up marginal numbers, prompting the Bucs to trade him in August, for a prospect. The prospect was a young arm in the Yankees system named Chris Corn. Corn was just coming off of a 12-4 season with the Tampa Yankees, and was generally regarded as a decent prospect. The Bucs, being the Bucs, try to convert Corn to a relief pitcher with disastrous results. He was out of baseball within 5 years. At last check, Corn was an assistant manager of a drywall supplier in Delhi, Ohio. Charlie Hayes shines his 1996 World Series ring every Sunday morning. Another great story in Pirate baseball...

6. Tony Womack. In 1999, Womack was coming off of his second straight season with at least 175 hits and 50 stolen bases. Publicly, the Pirates expressed concerns for his fielding, privately they fretted over another escalating salary. The Diamondbacks came a-callin' and swept Tony away for young pitcher Jason Boyd and prospect Paul Weichard. Boyd would make 12 relief appearances for the rest of his career. Weichard never saw the majors. Womack would go on to score over 90 runs 4 out of the next 6 seasons, and help the D'Backs win the 2001 World Series. Another great trade.

5. Jason Schmidt. This is another one that should just piss you off. The Bucs had a true ace in Schmidt, but as the re-building concept says, he had to go. Littlefield sent him off to the Bay area in exchange for Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong. Schmidt would go on to become a dominant starter, earning 3 trips to the All Star game. Rios would whack 3 more homers (for his career) and Vogelsong would join the overly crowded stable of young and mediocre Pirate pitchers. At last count, Vogelsong was languishing with a 10-22 career record. Move over, Sandy Koufax...

4. Matt Morris. I think we will be recalling this one as the David Littlefield thumb up our collective asses for years to come. Why in God's name would a last place team trade for an aging, overpriced, high mileage STIFF, like Morris, at the trade deadline? Did Littlefield feel like we still owed the Giants something after gift wrapping Jason Schmidt 4 years earlier? This boggles my mind. The saddest thing to consider is that Littlefield may have actually believed that this trade was going to save his job. Time will only tell, but I can't imagine how Morris will come close to earning the 9 million we are committed to for next year. More sound investing.

3. Jeromy Burnitz. David Littlefield need only read Burnitz's 2006 bio to remind himself of why people like me ridicule him in writing. We spent 6 million on this bum, and we in return we got 49 RBIs, a .230 BA, and a completely shit head attitude. This 6 million coupled with Joe Randa's 4 million could have been used on a quality starter or outfielder. No, we can't think that way in Pittsburgh.

2. Pat Meares. Good ole' Pat Meares...one of the biggest assholes to ever don the Black and Gold. We dropped about 14.5 million on a guy who saw 240 total games over 3 seasons. Check his stats, this guy was never anything above average. Oh, and Meares is just another guy on this list whose last career stop was the 'Burgh. Any correlation here?

...and finally...

1. Aramis Ramirez. Yep, the deal that topped all Pirate deals. In the summer of '03 the Bucs offered the Cubbies a 25 year old emerging slugger/third baseman for The Unsinkable Jose Hernandez (see # 9), Bobby Hill, a minor leaguer, and a $25 voucher from the Al Capone gift shop . When the Cubs balked, we threw in Kenny Lofton for good measure. It goes to show you, there really is no measure to what some teams would part with to acquire Jose Hernandez.

1st Quarter Grades

Reporting time is here again, and I have enlisted a few of my lovely teacher friends to help us grade the Men of Steel through Week 4. Now, as I have stated numerous times throughout the summer, these reviews are based on personal opinion. Feel free to comment with your own thoughts if you disagree. Better yet, start your own blog, so I can bust your balls. It's been a tough week, sorry...

I broke down the team into the following categories; quarterbacks, running backs, receivers/tight ends, offensive line, defensive line, linebackers, defensive backs, special teams, and coaching. Yeah, I know, I copycatted the guy from the Gazette.

Ms. Davis says grades are forthcoming

QUARTERBACKS:

This has been the Ben we expected last year, prior to the Evil Knievel shit. I'm very impressed with his improvisations and game management. Only 3 ints through his first 100+ passes is a stark contrast to last year. It would be very nice to see Ben develop his game into Pro Bowl form. I can't give him perfect marks, as he has missed some plays and has made a few forced decisions as he tried to do too much.

GRADE: A-

RUNNING BACKS:

Fast Willie has been huge through the first three weeks. Week 4 was a let down, although it didn't appear that anyone could run on the Cards. If his health holds up, I expect Parker to wind up with some huge numbers. Of course there are still those out who want to compare him Barry Sanders and tell you that he's not our style of runner. (Tony, does Nanna read this blog?)

GRADE: A-

RECEIVERS/TIGHT ENDS:

This group is improved, but they could be better. The absence of Ward last week showed us that we are short in possession guys. San Holmes continues to develop into a big game breaker,

and has the upside of a potential Isaac Bruce or Terrel Owens type guy. Nate Washington is still a middle of the road guy to me. Sometimes he makes a play, sometimes he drops the ball. He's been hit or miss since last season. Ced Wilson has vanished after a great exhibition. The tight ends are an emerging bunch, and appear to be poised to play a significant role in the Arians offense, especially when the cold air starts blowing in off the Allegheny.

GRADE: B-

OFFENSIVE LINE:

This group seems troublesome. The Steelers success over the last 30+ years has been predicated on dominance at the O line. This isn't science, great teams generally control the trench warfare, on both sides of the ball. The line seems to run block quite well, but the pass protection has been shoddy and sporadic. Frankly, a less mobile QB is probably looking at 15 sacks through the first four games. That's not going to cut it when we start playing teams like the Ravens and the Pats. Expect changes here.

GRADE: C

DEFENSIVE LINE:

A good bunch. Quietly underrated. Aaron Smith continues to play the unheralded workman on the end. Just so we are all straight here, Aaron Smith is one of the most solid, well rounded, and team oriented football players to ever grace the North Shore. Outside of Pittsburgh, he's one of those 'best players you never heard of' type guys. Casey Hampton continues to devour runners and pizzas (in Pro Bowl fashion with both), and Brett Keisel is emerging into one of those Cowher-esque defenders that just wreaks havoc on the field.

GRADE: A

LINEBACKERS:

Every sports writer in America took shots at Steeltown's lack of linebacker depth during the summer. The Joey Porter exodus was doomsday for us. Timmons and Woodley were overvalued. Well, I think someone deserves an apology. James Harrison has blossomed into the ruthless baby killing stud that sickens your opponent with fear. I think you need to go the whole way back to Greg Lloyd to find a guy that plays angrier. The inside guys (Foote, Farrior) are just as solid as ever, and the rooks like ok.

GRADE: A-

DEFENSIVE BACKS:

These guys have really stepped up their game thus far. Well, really, the step up is really the recovery of Ike Taylor. Troy Polamalu is the diffference maker when healthy. Townsend is steady as always.

GRADE: B+

SPECIAL TEAMS:

Clearly the most improved area on the team. Coverages are better (excluding the gaffe last week) and returns have been solid with few mistakes. The rookie punter looks like he may be a Northshore staple for years to come, and Jeff Reed is 100% in field goals, and more noticeably, his kickoffs have gotten deeper.

GRADE: B+

COACHING:

Now that the media is done telling you how Whiz beat us last week, we can take a reality check. We have a new coach with a handful of new assistants, and we are 3-1 while playing some exciting football. The playbook is wider now, and the team has a re-newed focus. The coach seems poised and very much in charge of his team. The nuances still need tinkering,...challenges, etc. On a whole, I like this guy and his staff.

GRADE: A-

TEAM OVERALL: A-

Ms. Smallbush says 'keep it up'

The House Cleaning Continues

As Wall Street anxiously awaits third quarter employment figures, Metropolitan Pittsburgh just witnessed their jobless numbers sky rocket by another half dozen. In another move that pronounces the utter disgust with the Battlins' perennial calamity, manager Jim Tracy and a host of operations guys have been shown to the door today. Along with the skipper, the axe fell on Brian Graham (Director of Player Develop), Ed Creech (Scouting Director), and Jon Mercurio (Director of Baseball Operations). The cuts ran deep, and the street rumors were that even Silvia, Head of Administration/Office Skank, was getting the boot. These rumors were greatly over reported, however, and Silvia is safe for another year.

Silvia's improved work ethic and renewed enthusiasm saved her job, sources say

When you factor out summertime casualties Kevin McClatchy and David Littleclue, there are few remaining survivors from the brain trust that has (mis)guided our beloved club to the mecca that we like to call 6th Place. It sort of reminds me of that segment in Goodfellas when DeNiro is clipping all of his guys that were part of the big heist. (If you didn't see the movie, disregard the reference.)

ousted skipper Tracy and GM Littlefield discuss the carpool arrangements to the Unemployment Office

So where does this leave us? New GM Neal Huntington seems like the man with a plan, although that plan appears to be a complete purge. Numerous times in his short employment with the Pirates, he has used the phrase 'culture of winning'. For a team that is almost 300 games under .500 over the last 15 years, it's going to take a boat load of firings to get that culture. Insiders have overheard the young GM stating that even the PNC beer vendors aren't safe right now. One can only imagine that these cuts are eventually going to find their way to the locker room, as Jason Bay has already predicted.

Dylan wrote "These Times, They are a-changin' "...Ron Burgundy never heard that song...

Steelers 2, Lake Erie 0

Wow, what an explosive start to the 2007 campaign. Drubbing our Great Lakes brethren by a combined score of 60-10. Makes you wish we had Detroit and Chicago on this year's schedule. Ok, now for all of you that projected us at 8 or 9 wins (you know who you are), well, let's just hope that you were conservative. For the record, I'm usually on the optimistic side with projections...I said 11 or 12 wins, and I'm going to stick with that. Right now, this team has shown me nothing to rescind that.

Here are some of my quick hitters thru Week Two:

• Willie P starting to look like the complete package. The last two seasons he has dazzled us all with his ability to outrun folks. Now, we can sit back and watch one of the truly great NFL stories unfold. Watch Fast Willie's continual development into one of the NFLs elite backs. He still needs to protect the ball better.


• All the doom and gloomers that sold their PSLs the day after The Chin resigned can buy them back on EBay. They go for about $25,000 for a pair up in section 532.


• Oh, yeah, wait a minute...Dan Rooney does know a thing or two about hiring coaches. It's early, but Tomlin has been impressive.


• Mike Mularkey, Kent Whisenhunt, and Bruce Arians...would the real offensive genius please stand up??? When chicanery king Mularkey left us for Buffalo we all cried in our I.C. Lite. Then the cerebral Whiz came along and proved to be the perfect mentor for a young Ben. Now, the forward thinking Arians is looking like the guru properly suited for this emerging offense.


• Are people still questioning Big Ben? This gets old. Maybe I just don't get it. This guy does nothing other than move his offense and win games, and the geniuses still want to question his abilities and decision making. Chew on this...take the first half nightmare of 2006 away, and Big Ben has won 35 out of 41 games as an NFL starter (including playoffs) with a Super Bowl. Better career passing rating than McNabb and Favre, and less than a point lower than superstud Tom Brady (without his video guy). Yeah, you're right, Eskin, he's overrated...the Philly sports world would take Ben in a freakin' heartbeat. (Actually, after watching last night's game, I think the Birds would take Brian St. Pierre if he was available!)


• So maybe the 2007 draft was not the abortion that many nay sayers claimed. Matt Spaeth and Lamar Woodley look like players. Timmons is going to be there, and this punter has been brilliant. Oh, yeah, there's this guy named Kevin Colbert who has had a few decent drafts.

Now drop the other shoe. It's mid September and we've played two cupcakes. In fact, I think the Buffalo Bulls gave Penn State a bigger struggle than the Buffalo Bills put up in Steeltown. But mark my words on this, think of 2001 and 2004 - two seasons that no one expected anything from us. We won at least 13 games in both seasons...let's hope I'm right on this.

I'm Back

Well, did you miss me? I know it's been almost a month, but I am back with new batteries and a new lease on sports life. Now, where was I? Ok, good question...

Besides defending your freedom in my continual involvement with the US Army, I also took a much needed R and R break in Western PA, relaxing and retooling. I will quickly admit that the break was a working vacation, as I communed with numerous black and gold enthusiasts, and discussed the state of affairs with our beloved teams. With that being said, I bet you all expect a big comeback post, focused on the Tomlin era and the resurgence of our Steelers, right? WRONG!!!!! I am going to talk about the Pirates.

Ok, I get it, it's mid September, and the Buccos are in their habitual fifth place position, so it's football season, right? Well, yeah, but I have some new Bucco thoughts, and I need to share them. Consider this my "2007 Year in Review/2008 Year in Preview"

Right now, the Battlins' are 66-81, and I'm guessing, en route to a 74-88 finish. Certainly better than last season, but well off the 84-78 that ESPN projected for them in March. Of course it also equals 15 straight losing seasons, and just one off the MLB record.

With a CEO on board and a new GM on the way, it's safe to say that some additional changes are also forthcoming. I will proffer to you that this team DOESN'T need that much tinkering this winter. Yep, call me the tainted cool aid guy, but I am telling you, stop the nay saying, and listen to me.

With a developing rotation, a nice core of hitters, and an emerging closer, the current team has some significant upsides. This team can finally break the 81 win mark, if not be a legitimate contender in '08, with a few key personnel decisions, and a few winks from Lady Fortune.

So let me start at the beginning, and explain to you what went wrong:


2007 Synopsis

WHAT WENT WRONG:

1. Inconsistency in the starting rotation. I'm going to throw this out there...this is the best overall starting pitching that we've had in over 10 years. But sadly, it was terribly inconsistent. Start off with newly acquired Tony Armas, and his dreadful start. Then you had Paul Maholm's shakiness in May and early June, and then Zach Duke becoming the most hospitable pitcher in the majors before the front office finally shut him down. That only leaves us with Gorzo and Snell, and since Snell has been very shaky over the last six weeks, the summation is that Gorzo has been the only consistent pitcher all year.


2. Sluggish starts from Adam LaRoche and Freddy Sanchez. Hey Jason Bay fans - here's a news flash, the heart of the order this year has been Sanchez and LaRoche. The problem here is that both of these guys really limped out the gate and were languishing around .200 in early May. These slow starts prevented any form of offensive rhythm in the first third of the season, which when coupled with inconsistent starting pitching, spells losses.

WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN:

1. Get Zach Duke Back. Duke's collapse in 2007 was probably the single biggest factor in our most current debacle. The numbers are truly horrific,and this one speaks loudest: 17 starts, 6 quality starts. Sticking with him as long as we did only worsened things for both Duke and the team. We need Duke to return to his 2006 form. It's probably safe to say that the rookie season was an anomoly, and that Zach will never be that Sandy Koufax, Jr, but he can be a good inning chewer with a low 4's era and a dozen wins or so. Basically a good middle rotation guy.


2. Continue the development of some young hitters. Remember when I said Nate McLouth should be delivering pizza? God, did he make me look dumb. Nate's secong half offense has been a key component in the winning record that we've boasted since Aug 1. I really like him as a leadoff or number 2 guy, with true 25/25 type ability. His defensive range doesn't hurt either, in spacious PNC. Steve Pearce and Ryan Doumit are two other guys that I expect a lot out of in 2008. We all saw what Doumit did this year, prior to his injury, and Pearce was clearly promoted to be a starter. I see him as an opening day outfielder in 2008. Nyler Morgan has been a nice addition, showing speed on the bases and in the carvernous center field at PNC. His lack of power will probably relagate him to the 4th outfielder/pinch runner kinda guy, but he should still see plenty of opportunities to contribute.


3. Make the Right Moves. Generally speaking, under David Littlefield, the Bucs made only two types of trades: 1) trading a quality starter for a prospect(s) in order to prevent a loss thru free agency. 2) trading a journeyman or prospect for another journeyman or prospect....aka "junk for junk". Now, even the fat girl gets laid, so we had lucked into some steals with this method (Sanchez). My point here is that we have been afraid to think outside the box with a trade. We have been afraid to even remotely consider trading a blue chipper that is under contract, fearing that we just don't get these guys that often. Look at the outfield situation, for example. With Bay, Nady, McLouth, and Pearce, we have 4 guys that should be considered starters. Add in Morgan and Bautista's ability to play in the outfield, and you can say that we have an overage here. Perhaps we should maybe consider trading one of these guys to help bring in another arm. Historically speaking, if the choice came down to Bay or Nady, Littlefield would have moved Nady, a journeyman who is going to bring you journeyman or prospect talent in return. Why not consider trading Bay?

MY RECOMMENDED 2008 TEAM:

1. CF McLouth


2. 3B Bautista


3. 2B Sanchez


4. 1B LaRoche


5. LF Pearce


6. RF Doumit


7. C Paulino


8. SS Wilson

SP: Gorzo, BLUE CHIPPER ACQUIRED VIA TRADE, Maholm, Duke, Bullington

Bench: Phelps, Nady, Morgan, Izcuris, Bixtler

TRADE THAT I WOULD MAKE: Package Bay and any starter other than Gorzo or Maholm for a bona fide blue chipper. There are teams in both leagues that would give up an all star quality pitcher for a guy like Bay, if we can throw in the arm. Snell gives the most upside, and I truly think that a Bay/Snell package could be very attractive for some teams. This trade might become a necessity if we get find no takers for overpriced Matt Morris.

PLAYES PROBABLY GONE: Armas, Castillo, Morris (hopefully)

1st Annual "SHUT THE F UP" voting

As a reader/writer/believer of this blog, you must subscribe to three universal truths:

1. The Steelers basically rule the football world

2. Large breasts are generally considered preferrable to small breasts (see below)



...and...

3. NFL commentators/analysts are a real pain in the ass

The NFL (and Steeler Nation) climbed out of hibernation Sunday Night with the Hall of Fame game. I didn't even have my first Lager opened before resident jackass, Chris Collinsworth, was annoying the shit out of me. Then I thought, who really is the most annoying NFL media guy?

Today I bring you the first ever "Shut the F Up" contest, a poll dedicated to finding the most hated of all the buffoons of the booth.

Honestly, I really find it shameful to watch six grown men in suits sitting around a counter and arguing about the game of football as if they were negotiating a major war spending bill. Hey Jimmy and Terry, it's not stem cell research, it's football. These guys have turned the NFL into a science, and frankly, these scientists are wrong more times than not. Flat out, the NFL Today type shows are my least favorite part of a Sunday.



You decide



I don't want to hog the list, but here are my TOP 5 Buffoons of the Booth

5. Deion Sanders - this guy sucks, flat out. The only thing more hideous than his suits are his comments.


Deion denied Jimmy Johnson's allegations that his suit was once a couch cover


4. Tom Jackson - they revere this moron like he's Gandhi. I'm pretty sure I'm done listening to TJ drop into low register and give that fatherly speach.

3. Shannon/Sterling Sharpe - I know this is probably starting to smell a bit racist, but it's not. Again, these guys are idiots. I did enjoy when EPN sat Sterling over in that little dunce table. Both of these numbskulls strengthen the theory 'good player make lousy analyst'.

2. Paul Maguire. Enough already. This guy annoyed me before he got fired from Sunday Night Football, now he just makes me sick. I always loved how Maquire would praise a play that didn't work. Truly a work of art.

1. Michael Irvin. Now I understand why the Eagles fans cheered when they thought he was paralyzed. If only his mouth could be paralyzed.

Please send me your lists of whom you want to see get the proverbial duct tape over the mouth...

Rebirth

Thank you Mike Tomlin and the Pittsburgh Steelers, for restoring a little dignity to the latest summer of shame. Since our only noteworthy sports highlights this month were Matt Morris's home run trot and Paul Maholm's boastings of challenging Barry Bonds, last night's Hall of Fame game was a true elixer. Let the truth be told, the date was August 5th, but this game was far from meaningless. In addition to giving the Black and Gold Nation something to finally smile about, Mr. Tomlin and Co. also answered some already stirring questions:

Will the LeBeau/Tomlin thing work?

Will Bruce Arians know what the hell he is doing and will he make us forget the Whiz?

Will Ced Wilson continue to clammer about no passes in his direction?

Will Willie Reid actually see enough plays to justify all the medical expenses?

Will Lamar Woodley be the next overnight linebacking sensation (ala Kendrell Bell 2001)?

Will one of the reserve running backs lay claim to the number 2 job?

Will Alan Faneca finally run out of things to bitch about?

Of course, one can throw all these answers in the Allegheny, and simply ask the one single question that seriously impacts all of our lives...How will Ben Roethlisberger look?

Without restating facts that you all know by now,...most of these answers, although preliminary, were quite favorable. Now, after watching the game, I'd also like to add some comments and questions of my own:

-Does Michael Irvin actually expect America to believe this good guy turned bad guy turned guy good crap? Can he now just shut up?

sadly, the Hall of Fame chose not to use these mug shots for his enshrinement display

-Obviously the NFL Network still hasn't learned how to broadcast a football game. After a 20 yard side line pass, most of the viewers would prefer to see the replay, but instead we get treated to a split screen of Chris Collinsworth conjuring yet another story of 1981.

-Max Starks continues to be very selective on just who he will block.

-William Gay looked quite hetero with a vicious man hit on rookie wideout Robert Meachem. Meachem looked a little gay on his own by ducking on the next play.

-Carey Davis (...who???) looking a lot like Sid "The Bull" Thorton as he ran roughshod over hapless New Orleans defenders. This, of course, prompted the cerebral Collinsworth to dub him "Bettis Jr." Collinsworth then recited another Bengals story from the early 80's.

-Oh yeah, Big Ben looked like Big Ben.

The Genius of Littlefield

Pirate GM David Littlefield is vindicated, if for just one day. Last night, against the Cincy Reds, newly acquired journeyman pitcher Matt Morris revealed a small portion of the Littlefield mastermind. When Morris clocked a homer on his first at bat as a Pirate, the world saw the true genius of David Littlefiled, and the confounding deal started making more sense.

"This is what we had hoped for", boasted Littlefield as he signed a requisition form for 25,000 Matt Morris bobbleheads. "I figured, our hitters can't hit, and our pitchers can't pitch, so maybe we need to get pitchers who can hit". "This could be the start of something really big, or it may backfire, like most of our other plans, it's just too early to tell."


I will keep you posted on this newest saga.


Morris was acquired for his offensive skills

Quick Hitters:

• Is it just me, or do all the Pirate homers now come from Sanchez and Paulino?


• Matt Capps getting rocked hard last night.


• Steeler season officially opens tonight in Canton, OH!

SILVER EDITION

Copycatting yet another move by my buddies at Dumbass, I would like to spend a moment and chest beat a bit about my 25th career post! Now, by virtue of my handy dandy Casio calculator, I figured this: 25 posts x 1.5 hours (the average length to write a post) = 37.5 hours in post writing. Add in the 2 hours to give this puppy it's fancy look, and the 10 hours I have spent listening to Toney harp on about how shitty the blog is, ...I think I have invested about 50 hours into this pursuit. That's 50 less hours of self bettering activities like working out, learning Hebrew, origami, or just surfing porn.

To honor my silver post, I wanted to make a list of my favorite 25's, in terms of Western PA sports...

8. Ron Shanklin. Before there was Swann, before there was Stallworth,...there was Shanklin. I put Shank on my list because he was the guy who was in like every third pack of football cards. I couldn't get a single Franco but I had 7 Shanklins and 9 Gerry Mullins cards. Oh, he also made the Pro Bowl in 1973.

the Shanklin card is the story of my life

7. Adam LaRoche. I love this guy because of the controversy he adds to everyday life. People are so furious with the top brass because of him, yet they were equally pissed when we were stymied on our first attempt to get him. Mark these words, he's going to put up some numbers...someday.

6. Bruce Kison. Great Bucco. One of the key pitchers on the 70's teams. Pitched for both the '71 and '79 WS teams. A 1.98 post season ERA, although he did get shellacked in his one start in the '79 WS. Questionable durability, however, and a bit whiny. Oh, for those that underscore Kison's importance in 1979: the Buccos were 10-1 in his last 11 starts.


Kison lost points for the "gay porn star" look in this photo

5. Fred McAfee. A poster child for the depth of the 90's Cowher rosters. Top notch special teamer. A little more size and I bet this guy has a Pro bowl or two as a featured back somewhere.

Special teams warrior

4. Bobby Bonilla. This is strictly for the Double Dumb Ass guys. I was never a big fan of BoNegro. You can't argue his numbers, though. I will always remember, with great fondness, when the newly rich Bobby Boo (as a Met) had to wear ear plugs to drown out the din of hatred.

Bobby Bo was devastated when he learned that Bonds will beat him to 756 homers.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates circa 1925. This team kicked ass. The '25 Bucs led the league in batting, homers, doubles, triples, runs, and even ATTENDANCE! This was a championship team led by Hall of Famers Pie Traynor and Kiki Cuyler. God, what a difference 82 years makes. This team also had some bizarre names. In addition to Pie and Kiki, they had a Babe, Mule, Red, Emil, Clyde, Fresco, and Stuffy. Stuffy???

2. Curt Warner. Ok, not Black and Gold, but I am a PSU grad, and this guy rocked. Arguably the best tailback ever produced in Happy Valley. Huge contributor to the 1982 Nat'l Championship team. Injuries cut this guy short, but he still had some monster years in the NFL. By the way, when you say the name Curt Warner in Central PA, no one thinks of the bearded journeyman quarterback.


this guy could flat out run

1. Kevin Stevens. Was there any doubt? This guy was the prototype power forward long before the Philly chicks went wet in the crotch for John LeClair. Stevens was the bullet that came out of Mario's gun, and a colossal part of the cup teams. Unfortunately, he joins a long list of tragic Pittsburgh sports figures. The major "breaking his face" injury, then more injuries, then the crack/hooker/stolen money debacle really closed out a one time brilliant career. I will always remember Stevens in his circa 1992 form, a real top notch forward. Oh, check out this youtube clip of Stevens and Trot calling out Brian Bellows. Whoever said hockey players were gentlemen?



eventually Stevens would trade goal scoring for crack and hookers.

My YouTube Tribute to Ohio Football

You can all thank Levittown's finest, Toney, for the strong encouragement of YouTube links. I want to first assure my boys at DoubleDumbAss that the Transformers and X Men links are safe. By the way, what's up with Justin's pink website??

Anyway, here are my favorite links that pay homage to our great football rivalries with our Ohio Brethren...

1. James Harrison embarrasses the entire city of Cleveland. This and this alone should give Harrison the starting job. Complete destruction of a shit head Brownie fan. Hollywood script writers could not have dreamt it up better.

2. Shit head Brownie fan apologizes to the team, to his team, to everyone...Priceless. By the way,...when in doubt, blame it on the beer.

3. Steelers over Bengals collection. Damn! That's just rude. Lana, my latex blow up doll, hasn't even seen abuse that bad.

4. A Smith sending Housh into next month. Now I understand why Hines Ward is getting alarmed. Umm, does anyone remember a guy named Donnie Shell?

5. This horny rascal is kicking it doggie style...yes, pun was intended. If I was a Brownie fan, I would be highly pissed every time I watch this.

6. We Dey. The night that got the SB XL ball rolling. Pass me the gummi bears, Justin.

Yeah, Hank, I am fucking ready for some football!!!!!!

Odds and Ends

Not much on the Burgh sports front tonight. Just a few side bar quick hitters...

• Bucs promote Steve Pearce to AAA Indy. This guy has crazyshithot power numbers so far, but of course so did our last future slugger, Brad Eldred.should be just a matter of time until we ruin this guy too.



• Hines Ward pissed off about Anthony Smith making like Jack Tatum and pulverizing WRs during camp. You can only wonder how long until Ward retaliates with one of his signature bone crunching blocks on the overzealous DB.

• Brian Jackson, aka, the Steeler impersonator, gets sentenced. This guy really gives new meaning to the often overused word "tool". I wonder if the dude in left field is going to get nabbed for impersonating Jason Bay.
  
Judges sentenced Jackson to 90 days probation and a weekend with these gals.



• Bucs replace unpopular mascot Captain Jolly Roger.
  

Jolly Roger headed for Tampa Bay???

Apparently the front office conceptualized a new direction with Mandy the Marauder...

Mandy and a few Lagers would help invigorate those woeful late summers at PNC

Unfortunately, lower budgets prevailed, and the Bucs went into another direction altogether...

meet Wally, the Bi-curious Buccaneer

Thanks again, Pirates, for making me a better football fan.

Farewell, Mr. Robinson

After the embarrassing ass thumping the Buccos just took at the hands of the Phightin' Phils, I thought this morning's post would be an obituary of our season. Unfortunately, today's death notice is a memorial of a different kind, a remembrance of former Buc Bill Robinson who died yesterday at the age of 64.
Robinson was a big part of the Bucs 1979 World Series team
For those of us that remember the late 70's teams, we will all remember Robinson's importance to the 1979 World Series team. Robinson hit 24 homers and drove in 75 runs that season, as a not-quite full time LF/1B...basically a cog in the genius Stargell-Robinson-Milner platoon system devised by skipper Chuck Tanner. Robinson delivered some timely hitting during the stretch drive of that championship season. During the pivotal 4 game series with the Expos in late September, Robinson went 4 for 10 with a double, triple, homer, and 4 RBIs. The Bucs would win three out of four in that series, which ultimately led us to the division. Anyone who remembers that season, remembers that series, with all the drama and the fights with the Montreal natives up in the 600 level of Three Rivers. Robinson's 2-run, game tying homer in the bottom of the sixth of the series' opener was as big as any round tripper that season. He would follow that up with an RBI triple in the 7th.

Robinson made major contributions during the post season, as well. He batted cleanup in Game 7 of of '79 series, and scored the Bucs first run. He would later drive in a run by being hit a pitch.

We send all condolences to the Robinson family for the loss of this great professional.

It Wasn't Always This Bad.

Since the interest with the Bucs fleets with every loss, every pierogi race, and every two-a-day, I decided to launch the last ditch effort to rekindle the fire...drumming up the past. Each and every Pittsburgh sports blog has covered, with EXCRUCIATING detail, the 14 (almost 15) year drought that followed the Sid Bream's slide across the plate in the NLCS. I thought we should focus on a 15 year period where things were not so bad. After reviewing some stats on Baseball-Reference.com, I realized that we could actually focus in on a 20 year period of Bucco greatness.

So, for those of us stuck in the Pirate doldrums, here is a snapshot of...

Pirate Baseball 1960-1979

• 14 seasons with 88 or more victories
• 3 World Series titles
• 6 post season appearances
• 4 MVPs (well, 3 and a half)
• 8 batting titles
• 35 20+ home run guys (no small feat considering the years in Forbes Field and that this was not considered a lively ball era)
• 1 no-hitter. Even the pitchers got involved.

Take the time to let that sink in. The Bucs have legitimate claim to being the dominant team of the NL, if not the majors for that 20 year period. One can also make a serious argument that the Buccos were the class of Pittsburgh sports over that 20 year period. (I hear groans, but the stats are there)

there once was a time when we had heroes

Doing some further research, it appears that those teams were quite successful at two things that their current brethren continually fail at: 1) maintaining a central core of developed talent: Parker, Stargell, Clemente, Moreno, Oliver, Zisk, Candelaria, Tekulve, Kison 2) exercising quality, meaningful trades for veteran support players: Lacy, Easler, Robinson, Garner, Madlock, Reuss, Milner, Bibby, Foli.

did Kevin Young ever grace the SI cover?

I am fully aware that the baseball economics in 2007 are drastically different than those of 1977. I am also aware that there are numerous teams with similar budgets that make meaningful trades geared towards improving their roster and not their profit/loss statement.

where have all The Hammers gone?

To end on a high note, we'd like to send a quick congratulatory shout to all our friends over at http://www.doubledumbassonyou.com/ for their 200th career post. These guys are truly Eastern PA's finest provider of uselessness. Good job, guys, just think of all the diseases that could have been cured with the amount of research that goes into that blog.

Bucs Make Move, Consider Other Options

In keeping up with a Pittsburgh tradition, the Pirates made steps towards another youth movement today by trading Jack Wilson to the San Diego Padres for the talented young outfielder/pitcher,Tyler Smith. At the age of 8, Smith is clearly the youngest Pirate prospect ever.

Smith was a stand out in his two years of tee-ball, hitting a whopping .665 last season. Smith struggled in his first year of midget league, however, as his average dipped to .406. Additionally, Smith missed the Midget League All Stars this year. Team officials quickly added that the absence was not based on performance, but a mere priorities issue, as the game coincided with the release of the latest Harry Potter movie.

The customary cynics were out in full force this afternoon, questioning GM David Littlefield's decision to trade for a prospect with such little experience. "No worries", said Littlefield, as he polished his Zach Duke bobblehead, "this kid is all upside. Did you know that he hit a ball over 100 feet in junior tee last year? Actually, I didn't either, I just read it on the back of his baseball card a few minutes ago. It also said that he likes fishing and Rita's water ice!"

Like most Pirate deals, payroll trimming will be a big factor. Smith's agent, a 13 year old named Mikey, explains that the Bucs will pay Smith about $20 a week, plus throw in a signing bonus of 200 Poki Mon cards. The Bucs are also on the hook for Smith's snack requirement, which is generally oreos and a juice box in the 4th and 7th innings. Both sides are still negotiating Smith's involvement in night games, as his bed time is set at 9:00 pm until he turns 11.

An unrelated rumor suggests that the veteran sell off has just begun. Sources say that the front office is contemplating trading Jason Bay for the angry Asian man pictured below, simply because he reminds them of "that Chinese guy from Sixteen Candles".
Automobile????

The Race for .250

It was only mid September 2006 when Sir Freddy Sanchez and Miguel Cabrera were locked in a virtual dead heat for the NL batting title, each just shy of .350. Less than a year later, two Pirate sluggers are dead locked in a nearly epic struggle...only 100 points lower.

Last night, Adam LaRoche banged out an astonishing 3 hits, while Jason Bay, the Titanic of outfielders, went 0 for 2, locking the two sluggers at .246. "Wow, I had no idea my numbers were identical to Jason's", said a surprised LaRoche, "this has truly been a remarkable season." Remarkable, indeed. One clubhouse report revealed that the duo is also excited about the protential of combining for 300 strikeouts. "Let's see A Rod and Jeter do that!" exclaimed Bay, as he practiced his 'caught looking' check swing. We wish the best of luck to both sluggers in all their dubious quests.

the similarities are shocking

In Pursuit of Baseball Hell

My good friend Tony once asked me what does a Pirate season have in common with a trip to the Grand Canyon??? ANSWER: they both involve a lot of sweating and a climatic descent to the bottom.

I think yesterday's completion of the home sweep via the Colorado Rockies was step two in the annual trip to rock bottom. The shellacking from the Braves to start the second half was probably step one. Today, by acquiring Cubbie castoff shortstop Cesar Izturis, I think they took step three. I'm still not sure on this one, but somehow the acquisition must fit into the Littlefield-Nutting strive-for-mediocrity initiative. Obviously, payroll deadweight Jackie Wilson is not long for the Bucco earth. But why does a team who is notoriously bad at signing free agents trade for a guy in the last year of his contract? It smacks of an NBA deal, where a team purposefully goes after a guy in his contract year, for the sole reason of off loading contracted dollars. In other words, plan on seeing Brian Bixler as the 2008 opening day shortstop. So, it appears that the white flag has officially been waved. Let the jettison commence. More to follow...

we recommend Izturis rent for now.

Meet the New Face of PittsburghFan

Congratulations all around to Midwest Jess, as she was chosen from a pool of eight finalists as the PittsburghFan 2007 Spokesmodel. Jess is 24, and hails from Louisville, KY, a city noted as a hot bed for Steeler fans. Jess was nominated by her good friend and fellow Steeler disciple, J.W. Cable, also of Louisville. "I knew she had the stuff these guys were looking for," said Cable, "she will bring great honor to the position."


Midwest Jess enjoying some leisure before assuming the office

Jess was unavailable for comment, as she was enjoying her all expenses paid trip to Sea Isle City, New Jersey, as part of her bonanza of prizes. Jess also received the highly coveted Bob Walk bobblehead as well as coupons for Blockbuster, Red Lobster and various other retail franchises.

Jess's first official day on the job will be August 8th, when she will be featured in our first annual Steelers preview. Jess's duties will include:

• serving as official spokesmodel for PittsburghFan



• serving as goodwill ambassador for Pittsburgh Sports bloggers



• appearances at PittsburghFan promotions



• maintaining readers' and writers' morale with various "displays" of team spirit

In the event that Midwest Jess cannot fulfill her duties and responsibilities, 2nd place awardee, Rhonda from Reading, will step in. We extend all the best wishes to Jess on this coming sports year!

Jess can't wait to tackle the surf of the Allegheny

Welcome to Atlanta

another Atlanta series ends in derailment

Just when you were starting to feel good about this team again...

What a sad weekend. Here are some quick hitters:

• Snell and Gorzo both getting hit hard.


• After a month or so of decent fielding, new gaffs with the gloves.
  
• Jose Castillo can't make a play that 52 year old Chipper Jones makes easily...against Castillo!
  

not our Jose Castillo, but I heard he beats out an occasion infield hit.

In typical Bucco fashion, a junk heap journeyman, Buddy Carlyle, looked like another Cy Young candidate. This is the guy who spent 7 years away from the Majors, playing in baseball towns such as Las Vegas, Omaha, Seoul (Korea), and Hartford. Against us, 8 innings, 1 earned run. Yeah, that's about right.



Buddy Carlyle even gave us a little junk ala Phil Niekro...which, of course, we couldn't hit.

Well, I did promise more pictures of girls. This cutie follows the Braves. I think there is a direct correlation between quality of the team and hotness of the female fans...


when we interviewed her, she said she wasn't going to settle down with just any 72 win team

Sports Programming at 4:00 AM

After reading some recent emails, I've learned that my readers want to see change. Amongst the most popular requests are:

1. less pictures of me


2. more pictures of hot women


3. more variety in sports coverage


4. more pictures of hot women
   

Well, you all will be glad to know that items 2 and 4 will be covered in good time. We got a few things cooking. I'll devote today's post to request # 3 - more variety in sports coverage.

My good friend Johnny C just turned me on to some of the most riveting sports programming of all time. The Rock Paper Scissors Championships on...

Seriously, no shit. Again,...no shit. This mind blowing waste of programming airspace came on around 3:30 am a few nights back. For those that haven't already stopped reading this post, here are some pictures of this dramatic tournament...

rock crushing scissors to advance to semis

first ever female division

After 10 minutes of that insanity, I clicked around to find other mind numbing ideas that ESPN dreamt up. Then I found the motherload.

The ESPN2 Little People Olympics

Wow! Billed as the finest display of world class athletes under four feet tall. This, I got to see. Some of the events:

Midget Basketball

#14 looking curiously like Steve Nash

Midget Boxing

not sure this was sanctioned by the WBA

Midget Jumbo Jet Pulling

It takes about 400 little people to pull a Boeing 747

Midget Hurling

World record holder "Captain Shrimpy"

Midget Streaking

this event is banned in over 12 states

Half time performers "Lil Bump and Grind"

Mini Kiss plays National Anthem and "Detroit Dwarf City"

I don't think the winners earned any prize money. I did hear that the finalists got the complete Lord of the Rings box set, as well as other low budget prizes.

senior bracket champion, Stumpy McGill, was awarded this 50 pound tuna