Not Quite the Million Man March

Well, the long awaited and greatly ballyhooed "walk out" came and went, and like so many other events in PNC Park, it was somewhat anticlimactic. About 800 of the 26,000 fans on hand actually left their seats, prompting ESPN to re-name the event "the world's largest pee break". Pirates GM David Littleclue, in his customarily unflappable fashion, laughed off the incident, and thanked the protesters for visiting the numerous concourse concession stands for replenishment during the nine minute strike. "Always a silver lining," said Littlebrain, as he punched Adam LaRoche's name on an All Star ballot. "Tonight, I've learned that fan dissatisfaction can be financially rewarding."

Since this coup is now regarded as a failed attempt to gain the ownership's attention, I challenged my readers to submit their own ideas to provoke change. Here are some of the best, so far:

1. All fans leave the stadium and simultaneously launch their Bob Walk Bobble Head Doll into the Allegheny River.

UPSIDE: log jam of thousands of plastic mullets under one of the numerous city bridges, causing undue flooding of the stadium area, resulting in Pirate officials mercifully cancelling the remainder of the season.

DOWNSIDE: lost wages to the innocent folks employed by the Gateway Clipper Fleet and various commercial booze cruise agencies throughout the city.



Party boat enthusiasts would have been highly pissed with alternate plan #1

2. Air a "Where are They Now ?" video. Hire a small production company to do one of those VH1 shows, focused on checking in on the current lives of former great Bucco free agents like Derek Bell, Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Pat Meares, and my favorite, Sausage Sluggin' Randall Simon.

UPSIDE: Would cause a collective fury throughout Pirateland so enormous that City officials would be forced to confront, and possibly impeach, the entire Bucco management team.

DOWNSIDE: The video becomes a cult hit, in light of the recent success of various reality freak shows. (shout out to my friend, and reality TV advocate,Carmella) VH1 picks up the show, it becomes a huge cash cow, and thus once again, our friends, Nutting, McClatchy, and Littlewallet refine the art of making money off of shit.



Fox execs proposed "Jeremy and Jeromy", a reality show based on Ron Jeremy and Jeromy Burnitz sharing a condo in Reno.

3. Organize a mass burning of all the crap the Bucs give away and proudly refer to as "memorabilia". Burn the bats, the tee shirts, the beach towels, the commemorative coins, and of course, all the bobble heads.

UPSIDE: With enough beer and decent weather this could be the makings of one helluva bon fire party.

DOWNSIDE: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find the Mike Gonzales/Oliver Perez bobble head? Enough said.

4. Vow to support the team through ticket purchases. Yes, actually, make a two or three year commitment to buy tickets and go to the games, regardless of how crummy the team is. If no improvements are made by 2009, then give up and root for a new team.

UPSIDE: With respectable ticket sales, the management team may actually have the moolah to plunk down on a free agent of greater merit than that of Tony Armas, Jr.

DOWNSIDE: This plan is the riskiest of all, because it will require Western Pennsylvanians to spend money on things other than fishing tackle, hunting gear, and Yuengling beer products.

All in all, four commendable ideas. I'm partial to #3, I love a good bon fire.