My YouTube Tribute to Ohio Football

You can all thank Levittown's finest, Toney, for the strong encouragement of YouTube links. I want to first assure my boys at DoubleDumbAss that the Transformers and X Men links are safe. By the way, what's up with Justin's pink website??

Anyway, here are my favorite links that pay homage to our great football rivalries with our Ohio Brethren...

1. James Harrison embarrasses the entire city of Cleveland. This and this alone should give Harrison the starting job. Complete destruction of a shit head Brownie fan. Hollywood script writers could not have dreamt it up better.

2. Shit head Brownie fan apologizes to the team, to his team, to everyone...Priceless. By the way,...when in doubt, blame it on the beer.

3. Steelers over Bengals collection. Damn! That's just rude. Lana, my latex blow up doll, hasn't even seen abuse that bad.

4. A Smith sending Housh into next month. Now I understand why Hines Ward is getting alarmed. Umm, does anyone remember a guy named Donnie Shell?

5. This horny rascal is kicking it doggie style...yes, pun was intended. If I was a Brownie fan, I would be highly pissed every time I watch this.

6. We Dey. The night that got the SB XL ball rolling. Pass me the gummi bears, Justin.

Yeah, Hank, I am fucking ready for some football!!!!!!

Odds and Ends

Not much on the Burgh sports front tonight. Just a few side bar quick hitters...

• Bucs promote Steve Pearce to AAA Indy. This guy has crazyshithot power numbers so far, but of course so did our last future slugger, Brad Eldred.should be just a matter of time until we ruin this guy too.



• Hines Ward pissed off about Anthony Smith making like Jack Tatum and pulverizing WRs during camp. You can only wonder how long until Ward retaliates with one of his signature bone crunching blocks on the overzealous DB.

• Brian Jackson, aka, the Steeler impersonator, gets sentenced. This guy really gives new meaning to the often overused word "tool". I wonder if the dude in left field is going to get nabbed for impersonating Jason Bay.
  
Judges sentenced Jackson to 90 days probation and a weekend with these gals.



• Bucs replace unpopular mascot Captain Jolly Roger.
  

Jolly Roger headed for Tampa Bay???

Apparently the front office conceptualized a new direction with Mandy the Marauder...

Mandy and a few Lagers would help invigorate those woeful late summers at PNC

Unfortunately, lower budgets prevailed, and the Bucs went into another direction altogether...

meet Wally, the Bi-curious Buccaneer

Thanks again, Pirates, for making me a better football fan.

Farewell, Mr. Robinson

After the embarrassing ass thumping the Buccos just took at the hands of the Phightin' Phils, I thought this morning's post would be an obituary of our season. Unfortunately, today's death notice is a memorial of a different kind, a remembrance of former Buc Bill Robinson who died yesterday at the age of 64.
Robinson was a big part of the Bucs 1979 World Series team
For those of us that remember the late 70's teams, we will all remember Robinson's importance to the 1979 World Series team. Robinson hit 24 homers and drove in 75 runs that season, as a not-quite full time LF/1B...basically a cog in the genius Stargell-Robinson-Milner platoon system devised by skipper Chuck Tanner. Robinson delivered some timely hitting during the stretch drive of that championship season. During the pivotal 4 game series with the Expos in late September, Robinson went 4 for 10 with a double, triple, homer, and 4 RBIs. The Bucs would win three out of four in that series, which ultimately led us to the division. Anyone who remembers that season, remembers that series, with all the drama and the fights with the Montreal natives up in the 600 level of Three Rivers. Robinson's 2-run, game tying homer in the bottom of the sixth of the series' opener was as big as any round tripper that season. He would follow that up with an RBI triple in the 7th.

Robinson made major contributions during the post season, as well. He batted cleanup in Game 7 of of '79 series, and scored the Bucs first run. He would later drive in a run by being hit a pitch.

We send all condolences to the Robinson family for the loss of this great professional.

It Wasn't Always This Bad.

Since the interest with the Bucs fleets with every loss, every pierogi race, and every two-a-day, I decided to launch the last ditch effort to rekindle the fire...drumming up the past. Each and every Pittsburgh sports blog has covered, with EXCRUCIATING detail, the 14 (almost 15) year drought that followed the Sid Bream's slide across the plate in the NLCS. I thought we should focus on a 15 year period where things were not so bad. After reviewing some stats on Baseball-Reference.com, I realized that we could actually focus in on a 20 year period of Bucco greatness.

So, for those of us stuck in the Pirate doldrums, here is a snapshot of...

Pirate Baseball 1960-1979

• 14 seasons with 88 or more victories
• 3 World Series titles
• 6 post season appearances
• 4 MVPs (well, 3 and a half)
• 8 batting titles
• 35 20+ home run guys (no small feat considering the years in Forbes Field and that this was not considered a lively ball era)
• 1 no-hitter. Even the pitchers got involved.

Take the time to let that sink in. The Bucs have legitimate claim to being the dominant team of the NL, if not the majors for that 20 year period. One can also make a serious argument that the Buccos were the class of Pittsburgh sports over that 20 year period. (I hear groans, but the stats are there)

there once was a time when we had heroes

Doing some further research, it appears that those teams were quite successful at two things that their current brethren continually fail at: 1) maintaining a central core of developed talent: Parker, Stargell, Clemente, Moreno, Oliver, Zisk, Candelaria, Tekulve, Kison 2) exercising quality, meaningful trades for veteran support players: Lacy, Easler, Robinson, Garner, Madlock, Reuss, Milner, Bibby, Foli.

did Kevin Young ever grace the SI cover?

I am fully aware that the baseball economics in 2007 are drastically different than those of 1977. I am also aware that there are numerous teams with similar budgets that make meaningful trades geared towards improving their roster and not their profit/loss statement.

where have all The Hammers gone?

To end on a high note, we'd like to send a quick congratulatory shout to all our friends over at http://www.doubledumbassonyou.com/ for their 200th career post. These guys are truly Eastern PA's finest provider of uselessness. Good job, guys, just think of all the diseases that could have been cured with the amount of research that goes into that blog.

Bucs Make Move, Consider Other Options

In keeping up with a Pittsburgh tradition, the Pirates made steps towards another youth movement today by trading Jack Wilson to the San Diego Padres for the talented young outfielder/pitcher,Tyler Smith. At the age of 8, Smith is clearly the youngest Pirate prospect ever.

Smith was a stand out in his two years of tee-ball, hitting a whopping .665 last season. Smith struggled in his first year of midget league, however, as his average dipped to .406. Additionally, Smith missed the Midget League All Stars this year. Team officials quickly added that the absence was not based on performance, but a mere priorities issue, as the game coincided with the release of the latest Harry Potter movie.

The customary cynics were out in full force this afternoon, questioning GM David Littlefield's decision to trade for a prospect with such little experience. "No worries", said Littlefield, as he polished his Zach Duke bobblehead, "this kid is all upside. Did you know that he hit a ball over 100 feet in junior tee last year? Actually, I didn't either, I just read it on the back of his baseball card a few minutes ago. It also said that he likes fishing and Rita's water ice!"

Like most Pirate deals, payroll trimming will be a big factor. Smith's agent, a 13 year old named Mikey, explains that the Bucs will pay Smith about $20 a week, plus throw in a signing bonus of 200 Poki Mon cards. The Bucs are also on the hook for Smith's snack requirement, which is generally oreos and a juice box in the 4th and 7th innings. Both sides are still negotiating Smith's involvement in night games, as his bed time is set at 9:00 pm until he turns 11.

An unrelated rumor suggests that the veteran sell off has just begun. Sources say that the front office is contemplating trading Jason Bay for the angry Asian man pictured below, simply because he reminds them of "that Chinese guy from Sixteen Candles".
Automobile????

The Race for .250

It was only mid September 2006 when Sir Freddy Sanchez and Miguel Cabrera were locked in a virtual dead heat for the NL batting title, each just shy of .350. Less than a year later, two Pirate sluggers are dead locked in a nearly epic struggle...only 100 points lower.

Last night, Adam LaRoche banged out an astonishing 3 hits, while Jason Bay, the Titanic of outfielders, went 0 for 2, locking the two sluggers at .246. "Wow, I had no idea my numbers were identical to Jason's", said a surprised LaRoche, "this has truly been a remarkable season." Remarkable, indeed. One clubhouse report revealed that the duo is also excited about the protential of combining for 300 strikeouts. "Let's see A Rod and Jeter do that!" exclaimed Bay, as he practiced his 'caught looking' check swing. We wish the best of luck to both sluggers in all their dubious quests.

the similarities are shocking

In Pursuit of Baseball Hell

My good friend Tony once asked me what does a Pirate season have in common with a trip to the Grand Canyon??? ANSWER: they both involve a lot of sweating and a climatic descent to the bottom.

I think yesterday's completion of the home sweep via the Colorado Rockies was step two in the annual trip to rock bottom. The shellacking from the Braves to start the second half was probably step one. Today, by acquiring Cubbie castoff shortstop Cesar Izturis, I think they took step three. I'm still not sure on this one, but somehow the acquisition must fit into the Littlefield-Nutting strive-for-mediocrity initiative. Obviously, payroll deadweight Jackie Wilson is not long for the Bucco earth. But why does a team who is notoriously bad at signing free agents trade for a guy in the last year of his contract? It smacks of an NBA deal, where a team purposefully goes after a guy in his contract year, for the sole reason of off loading contracted dollars. In other words, plan on seeing Brian Bixler as the 2008 opening day shortstop. So, it appears that the white flag has officially been waved. Let the jettison commence. More to follow...

we recommend Izturis rent for now.

Meet the New Face of PittsburghFan

Congratulations all around to Midwest Jess, as she was chosen from a pool of eight finalists as the PittsburghFan 2007 Spokesmodel. Jess is 24, and hails from Louisville, KY, a city noted as a hot bed for Steeler fans. Jess was nominated by her good friend and fellow Steeler disciple, J.W. Cable, also of Louisville. "I knew she had the stuff these guys were looking for," said Cable, "she will bring great honor to the position."


Midwest Jess enjoying some leisure before assuming the office

Jess was unavailable for comment, as she was enjoying her all expenses paid trip to Sea Isle City, New Jersey, as part of her bonanza of prizes. Jess also received the highly coveted Bob Walk bobblehead as well as coupons for Blockbuster, Red Lobster and various other retail franchises.

Jess's first official day on the job will be August 8th, when she will be featured in our first annual Steelers preview. Jess's duties will include:

• serving as official spokesmodel for PittsburghFan



• serving as goodwill ambassador for Pittsburgh Sports bloggers



• appearances at PittsburghFan promotions



• maintaining readers' and writers' morale with various "displays" of team spirit

In the event that Midwest Jess cannot fulfill her duties and responsibilities, 2nd place awardee, Rhonda from Reading, will step in. We extend all the best wishes to Jess on this coming sports year!

Jess can't wait to tackle the surf of the Allegheny

Welcome to Atlanta

another Atlanta series ends in derailment

Just when you were starting to feel good about this team again...

What a sad weekend. Here are some quick hitters:

• Snell and Gorzo both getting hit hard.


• After a month or so of decent fielding, new gaffs with the gloves.
  
• Jose Castillo can't make a play that 52 year old Chipper Jones makes easily...against Castillo!
  

not our Jose Castillo, but I heard he beats out an occasion infield hit.

In typical Bucco fashion, a junk heap journeyman, Buddy Carlyle, looked like another Cy Young candidate. This is the guy who spent 7 years away from the Majors, playing in baseball towns such as Las Vegas, Omaha, Seoul (Korea), and Hartford. Against us, 8 innings, 1 earned run. Yeah, that's about right.



Buddy Carlyle even gave us a little junk ala Phil Niekro...which, of course, we couldn't hit.

Well, I did promise more pictures of girls. This cutie follows the Braves. I think there is a direct correlation between quality of the team and hotness of the female fans...


when we interviewed her, she said she wasn't going to settle down with just any 72 win team

Sports Programming at 4:00 AM

After reading some recent emails, I've learned that my readers want to see change. Amongst the most popular requests are:

1. less pictures of me


2. more pictures of hot women


3. more variety in sports coverage


4. more pictures of hot women
   

Well, you all will be glad to know that items 2 and 4 will be covered in good time. We got a few things cooking. I'll devote today's post to request # 3 - more variety in sports coverage.

My good friend Johnny C just turned me on to some of the most riveting sports programming of all time. The Rock Paper Scissors Championships on...

Seriously, no shit. Again,...no shit. This mind blowing waste of programming airspace came on around 3:30 am a few nights back. For those that haven't already stopped reading this post, here are some pictures of this dramatic tournament...

rock crushing scissors to advance to semis

first ever female division

After 10 minutes of that insanity, I clicked around to find other mind numbing ideas that ESPN dreamt up. Then I found the motherload.

The ESPN2 Little People Olympics

Wow! Billed as the finest display of world class athletes under four feet tall. This, I got to see. Some of the events:

Midget Basketball

#14 looking curiously like Steve Nash

Midget Boxing

not sure this was sanctioned by the WBA

Midget Jumbo Jet Pulling

It takes about 400 little people to pull a Boeing 747

Midget Hurling

World record holder "Captain Shrimpy"

Midget Streaking

this event is banned in over 12 states

Half time performers "Lil Bump and Grind"

Mini Kiss plays National Anthem and "Detroit Dwarf City"

I don't think the winners earned any prize money. I did hear that the finalists got the complete Lord of the Rings box set, as well as other low budget prizes.

senior bracket champion, Stumpy McGill, was awarded this 50 pound tuna

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

me and Brother Wayne in pre-game warm ups



not exactly Three Rivers vittles

Wow. What a Sunday. Me and Brother Wayne take in a day of fun, sun, and a Bucco win. I'd like to jump right into this post and talk about the seats. Then I figured, why talk when a picture is worth a 1,000 words. So check out the shots below from section 24. The greatest thing about following a team that struggles in the box office is that the common guy can actually: 1) get his hands on the rock star-celebrity seats, and 2) get these seats without mortgaging the family doublewide trailer.

Oh, the pics...




is that Saint Peter I see in the distance?





20 feet away from greatness

Brother Wayne patiently waiting for his next beer





meet Ray, in a few years he'll be taller than Freddy Sanchez





this cutie sang the National Anthem and then later waited on us at Hooters





J Bay cruises into the dug out




Nate the Great

So who would you rather have as your third baseman??

Shane Youman could be big in the second half

Matts Capps makes like the Terminator

the money shot

J Bay finally gets to talk about something other than bases loaded strikeouts

So, anyway let me summarize the day with some quick hitters:

• 94 degrees and lots of beer...


• Great pitching, again. Shane Youman looking like he could really help this club. The 'pen coming through again.


• Welcome Back, Mr. Bay. 4 ribbies...niiiiice!


• I may have been wrong on Nate McLouth. Great day patrolling center field.

This game could go a long way to maybe, hopefully, mercifully, ending "the drought". Let's see what the second half brings.

On a final note...two weeks till training camp...

Wayne just moments before security removes him

Quick Hits

My readers have been asking me why no postings during the recent 1979-esque win streak...Basically, I don't want to jinx it (like I've done before). I will add that it's much easier to write when you are half drunk and super pissed as the team is mired in a losing streak.

Here are a few quick hitters:

• Power surge! 18 extra base hits, and 7 homers in three games. Remember when I said these guys weren't the 1927 Yanks...ok, they still aren't.


• Tough guy pitching! Snell, Gorzo, and Maholm all making like Tom Seaver circa 1978 as they banged out some quality innings. Not that the box scores were overly impressive, but they all worked through jams and shook off some bad innings, while showing some veteran maturity. Translation: 3 wins.


• A big thanks to "America's Most Wanted" for finding Adam LaRoche. Sources say LaRoche was finally spotted at a Cabela's Sporting Goods outside of Dubois, hopped up on Rolling Rock and buck lure. Next missions: Jason Bay, Zach Duke, and Salomon Torres' lost sense of reality.


• X Man Nady still keeping it real. Quietly en route to a 95 RBI season.


• Kevin McClatchy has finally had enough, and is sadly stepping down, after building the Pirate empire into what it is today. Official word is not out on the future of GM David Littlefield, but sources say that he may re-surface with McClatchy in the food and beverage industry.

Prospective future employer of McClatchy and Littlefield

On a final note, I will be at Sunday's game vs. the Cubbies with brother Wayne. We expect to be signing autographs and giving away promo tee shirts from 12:45 to 12:55 by the Honus Wagner statue. Come on out.

Mid Season Report Cards

As a sports fan you are forced to endure a lot of crap thrown at you by the media. You get analysis, interviews, exposes, more analysis, fantasy stuff, sports medicine reports, police blotters, and even more analysis. You also get report cards, lots and lots of report cards... mid season, 1st quarter, Monday morning, etc.

The best thing about sports report cards is that you almost never agree with the asshole that did the scoring. Thus, you got conflict, and that makes for good sports journalism. Since this blog now ratifies me as an esteemed member of the media, I too am qualified to judge and score the performances of others more gifted than myself. So, with no further ado, allow me to bring you the...

PittsburghFan 2007 Pirates' Mid Term Report Card


Ms. Sandra has some low marks for some bad students

Like nearly everything I do, I overthought this thing to death. What format should I use? Should I rate offense, then defense, then pitching??? How do I break out relief pitching?? It took me some time, but I finally came up with the end all, beat all format. I decided to break the team into the following categories: infielders, outfielders, starting pitching, relief pitching, bench, coaching, and front office. Real genius, right?

INFIELDERS: Do you remember when Jack Wilson and Jose Castillo were going to be the second coming of Tim Foli and Phil Garner? The middle infield of the future? The rock that would stabilize our infield, snatching grounders, spinning doubleplays, and slapping the occasional double into the right field power alley? Well that ship has sailed, and quite possibly, sunk. Both hackers are now liabilities; consistently inconsistent, and general pains in the ass. Jose Bautista has been a pleasant surprise, generating some spark at the top of an otherwise slothlike order, while playing some slick glove at the hot corner. Could he hit more homers...YES. Freddy Sanchez's big break out year may have been a one time thing, but he is still a steady .300 guy with low strikeouts and some versatility in the field. Ad LaRoche...well, they say he's a second half guy. Ronny Paulino has been a huge disappointment, if not a ghost. Ryan Doumitt has hit well enough to take his job, but he's a stiff behind the plates, as the staff's e.r.a. hovers around 13 when he catches.

FINAL WORD: Bautista and Sanchez, and an occasional LaRoche RBI keep this group above water.

GRADE: B-

OUTFIELDERS: "where have you gone Jason Bay?" Isn't that a lyric in a Simon and Garfunkel song? Bay's 2007 disappearing act would make the late Harry Houdini green with envy. At press time, I think Bay's average is languishing around .256, his power numbers even worse, and his strikeouts have been mind boggling. Consider this feat, Bay's 12 homers are offset by 78 strikeouts. That may be the worst K/HR ratio of any 'slugger' in baseball. Oh, and in case we should all forget, J-Bay is the cornerstone of our proud franchise. He's got some RBI's, but his clutch situation numbers are abysmal. Bay's 2007 first half numbers have inspired this writer to dub him "the likeable Pat Burrell". (Phils fans will get that.) X Man Nady and Ryan Doumitt have kept this group in it. Both have overachieved. Chris Duffy is mid cycle through his perennial bad half/good half thing. Nate McLouth should be delivering pizza out of a 1984 Pinto.

FINAL WORD: Bay had better find himself and quick.

GRADE: C+

STARTING PITCHERS: This one is a head scratcher. I guess this is one of those all-or-nothing deals. Gorzo and Snell make one helluva formidable 1-2 punch. Both are All Star caliber, and their consistency is remarkable, given their youthful age. Then the proverbial other shoe falls. The balance of the staff is a nightmarish collection of junk arms. Ok, ok, Paul Maholm shows decent potential as a three type guy, but Zach Duke, our opening day gun, has become a cure-all for any slumping hitter. Opponents are rocking him to a tune of .364, that's not even acceptable in tee-ball. The acquisition of journeyman Tony Armas, Jr. is another blunder in a long, never ending series of blunders by the current regime. He is so unreliable that he now only appears in lopsided losses or in various marketing ploys.






The always thrifty Pirate ownership farm Armas out to the Federal Street Grille in between mop up outings.

FINAL WORD: Outside of Gorzo and Snell, the Bucs are averaging a quality start roughly every four games. That's not enough to consistently win games.

GRADE: C-

RELIEF PTCHING: Another headache. These guys were pretty dominant in '06, but their collective spring was a bumpy ride. The whole Salomon Torres blown save/blown ego/blown arm saga is becoming a distraction. When you blow a series of saves, and your team loses confidence in you, you are going to lose your job. That's baseball, get over it. Matt Capps has been one of my favorite Bucs for the last couple years, and I think he'll be a stud in time. Damaso Marte is one of the best lefty relievers in the bigs this year, and Shawn Chacon has made fair contributions. Jonah Bayless is the pitching version of Nate McLouth, another guy with miserable stats and no creditable improvement, for which no one can explain why he is on the team. Nate could use a wing man on the pizza deliveries. I don't even want to address the Asian dude. Leave it to the Pirates to miss the boat on the whole Japanese boom, then ten years later, grab some 40 something guy with less surprises than a Godzilla flick.

FINAL WORD: Capps, Chacon, and Marte are finding a rythm. Expect steadiness from this group in the 2nd half.

GRADE: C+

BENCH: This subject is like my 5 year old nephew's knock-knock jokes. I really don't want to laugh, but I still do. This is the weakest area on the team, period. The previously mentioned (and derided) Nate McLouth, Rajai Davis, umm, oh yeah, Jose Castillo and a few others fill up the short bus that we call the bench. This bunch offers little versatility, with less power and even less speed. Occasionally, the front office recalls Brad Eldred's fat ass just to remind us what a big dumb white guy looks like striking out, just in case we miraculously forgot.
Another big swing and a-miss for Mount Eldred

FINAL WORD: Adding Josh Phelps is a start. Still, it seems that every Pirate reserve is a righty with mediocre power and no glove.

GRADE: D-

COACHING: Jim Tracy has helped me to understand why the Bay area was so hard on George Seifert, despite the win/loss columns. Sometimes the winning percentage is not the tell-tale criteria when courting a skipper. Just ask any Phillies fan about their city's relationship with beleaguered Charlie Manual. My scepticism with Tracy grows every day. His post game comments kill me. Does he really need to constantly harp on about a few pitches that we needed to make after a 9 run pounding? His staff is not helping him at all; baserunning gaffes, fielding break downs, insane overagression at the plate. The fundamentals are lousy from top to bottom, basically a mirror image of the team's product.

Wilson, Sanchez, and Castillo at development camp circa 1986

FINAL WORD: Tracy is the man for a job, just maybe not this job. He comes from a successful system loaded with talent and stocked with cash, and now he manages the Isle of Misfit Toys. The Charlie in the Box gets old quick if you are used to playing with an X-Box.

GRADE: C-

FRONT OFFICE: Every 'Burgher's favorite topic these days. I think it's high time that David Littlefield call a press conference and publicly admit that he's a moron. Then I think it's easier to take. The guy knows very little about talent evaluation and even less about franchise building. His personnel management transgressions have literally launched the empire of Pittsburgh Sports blogging. The fact that the ownership team has stuck with this lightening rod for so long should tell you that winning isn't a priority.

GRADE: D-
Littlefield skipped the recent MLB GM Summer Conference. Instead, he attended this workshop to refine his zone defense.

OVERALL TEAM GRADE: C-

I know I am about to get bombarded with comments for that rating. I'm an optimist, and rest assured, this C- is a fraction better than a D+. The repairs are fairly obvious: find another arm(s) that can add depth to the rotation, somehow get Jason Bay out of hibernation, and hope that Adam LaRoche's 2nd half renaissance holds true once again. Improving Doumitt's defensive skills in order to get his bat in the line up consistently should be a higher priority. Parting ways with either Wilson or Castillo should also be strongly considered.
Ms. Amanda says summer school for these flunkies.