Bucs Prepare for Impending Riots

The Pittsburgh Pirates returned home today amidst a bevvy of rumors, as political support for the team continues to wane. Creditable sources report that the normally placid Pirate fans have finally had enough, and plan a full scale revolt this weekend. One recurring rumor is that a public demonstration of dissatisfaction will occur during the third inning of Saturday's game against Washington. The demonstration will culminate with all fans (expected crowd of 6,000) leaving their seats in the 3rd inning in mock protest, or at least one mass orchestrated potty break.

Other intelligence suggests more violent responses from the angry Pirate faithful, and experts fear that WMA (Weapons of Mass Annoyance) are being stockpiled. One report claims that Giant Eagle Supermarkets saw a 25% spike in toilet paper sold during recent weeks, and an 18% surge in egg sales during the same time frame. (Tar and feather sales figures were not available at press time.)

During a recent raid on a home in Dormont, local police discovered three cases of silly string, a "Voodoo for Dummies" manual, and several Jason Bay baseball cards, all de-faced with drawn on mustaches or rabbit ears.


Hate crime evidence found in Dormont

City and team officials have yet to unveil their security plan, but both parties are visibly concerned for the threat. "Yeah, they're pissed off, we get that," said a Pirate executive who asked to be unnamed, "but it's not like we haven't had crappy teams before. I just don't understand the violence now. 2005 was a really lousy year, why didn't they revolt then." The Pirates have also stated that a preemptive strike against the dissatisfied fans is a likelihood. "We're going to do our best to block them out, basically screen them at the box office. If they want to boo and be unhappy, then we don't want them here. The last thing any team needs is a crowd of people voicing their opinions. If they are true Pirate fans, then they should know that their opinions do not matter."

City Police restrict angry fans from PNC Park ticket offices on Thursday.

When asked if this tactic was prudent in light of the Buccos' already dismal ticket sales, the team official responded with optimism. "that's the best part," he added, "now that we get the luxury tax, we don't need ticket sales anymore, so we can be very selective on who we let in. In fact, we are currently kicking around plans to someday make all home games off limits to the public. Can you imagine what we'll save by laying off all the scoreboard operators and hot dog vendors?"

Furious season ticket holders gathered to vent their rage on Pirate ownership

No comments were available from the Mayor's office, although heightened police presence is visible in nearly every Pittsburgh borough. "Protection for the team is our number 1 goal," said Assistant Police Chief Hugh Jass. "Things got a bit dicey at the airport this morning, but we took care of business." City officials have also denied that they are "surging" forces by bringing in additional troopers from neighboring communities, Monroeville and Plum Township.

Local police restore order at Pittsburgh International Airport as team returns home

Ironically, the unrest coincides with the arrival of the most highly anticipated give away in Pirates' merchandising history: the Bob Walk Bobble Head Doll. Slews of theories have arisen regarding the relationship of the two events. Some theorists say that the fans' displeasure is truly not with the team's horrific performance, but with the potential lack of availability of a priceless keepsake. Others, who are more prone to conspiracy type theories, believe that this is a ploy by the Nutting family to gain control of the bobble head inventory, and then sell them through commercial channels for personal profit. Leading experts state that on line auction houses like EBay are already fetching bids over $1.75 per doll.

Regardless of which theory prevails, the Walk family is considerably irritated by the timing of the unrest. "This shines a bad light on an otherwise Hall of Fame caliber career," said Walk's spokesman, "105 career wins, and an e.r.a. of just over 4, but they are going to overshadow these incredible feats with this silly protest."

Bob Walk still can't get any love