1st Annual "SHUT THE F UP" voting

As a reader/writer/believer of this blog, you must subscribe to three universal truths:

1. The Steelers basically rule the football world

2. Large breasts are generally considered preferrable to small breasts (see below)



...and...

3. NFL commentators/analysts are a real pain in the ass

The NFL (and Steeler Nation) climbed out of hibernation Sunday Night with the Hall of Fame game. I didn't even have my first Lager opened before resident jackass, Chris Collinsworth, was annoying the shit out of me. Then I thought, who really is the most annoying NFL media guy?

Today I bring you the first ever "Shut the F Up" contest, a poll dedicated to finding the most hated of all the buffoons of the booth.

Honestly, I really find it shameful to watch six grown men in suits sitting around a counter and arguing about the game of football as if they were negotiating a major war spending bill. Hey Jimmy and Terry, it's not stem cell research, it's football. These guys have turned the NFL into a science, and frankly, these scientists are wrong more times than not. Flat out, the NFL Today type shows are my least favorite part of a Sunday.



You decide



I don't want to hog the list, but here are my TOP 5 Buffoons of the Booth

5. Deion Sanders - this guy sucks, flat out. The only thing more hideous than his suits are his comments.


Deion denied Jimmy Johnson's allegations that his suit was once a couch cover


4. Tom Jackson - they revere this moron like he's Gandhi. I'm pretty sure I'm done listening to TJ drop into low register and give that fatherly speach.

3. Shannon/Sterling Sharpe - I know this is probably starting to smell a bit racist, but it's not. Again, these guys are idiots. I did enjoy when EPN sat Sterling over in that little dunce table. Both of these numbskulls strengthen the theory 'good player make lousy analyst'.

2. Paul Maguire. Enough already. This guy annoyed me before he got fired from Sunday Night Football, now he just makes me sick. I always loved how Maquire would praise a play that didn't work. Truly a work of art.

1. Michael Irvin. Now I understand why the Eagles fans cheered when they thought he was paralyzed. If only his mouth could be paralyzed.

Please send me your lists of whom you want to see get the proverbial duct tape over the mouth...

Rebirth

Thank you Mike Tomlin and the Pittsburgh Steelers, for restoring a little dignity to the latest summer of shame. Since our only noteworthy sports highlights this month were Matt Morris's home run trot and Paul Maholm's boastings of challenging Barry Bonds, last night's Hall of Fame game was a true elixer. Let the truth be told, the date was August 5th, but this game was far from meaningless. In addition to giving the Black and Gold Nation something to finally smile about, Mr. Tomlin and Co. also answered some already stirring questions:

Will the LeBeau/Tomlin thing work?

Will Bruce Arians know what the hell he is doing and will he make us forget the Whiz?

Will Ced Wilson continue to clammer about no passes in his direction?

Will Willie Reid actually see enough plays to justify all the medical expenses?

Will Lamar Woodley be the next overnight linebacking sensation (ala Kendrell Bell 2001)?

Will one of the reserve running backs lay claim to the number 2 job?

Will Alan Faneca finally run out of things to bitch about?

Of course, one can throw all these answers in the Allegheny, and simply ask the one single question that seriously impacts all of our lives...How will Ben Roethlisberger look?

Without restating facts that you all know by now,...most of these answers, although preliminary, were quite favorable. Now, after watching the game, I'd also like to add some comments and questions of my own:

-Does Michael Irvin actually expect America to believe this good guy turned bad guy turned guy good crap? Can he now just shut up?

sadly, the Hall of Fame chose not to use these mug shots for his enshrinement display

-Obviously the NFL Network still hasn't learned how to broadcast a football game. After a 20 yard side line pass, most of the viewers would prefer to see the replay, but instead we get treated to a split screen of Chris Collinsworth conjuring yet another story of 1981.

-Max Starks continues to be very selective on just who he will block.

-William Gay looked quite hetero with a vicious man hit on rookie wideout Robert Meachem. Meachem looked a little gay on his own by ducking on the next play.

-Carey Davis (...who???) looking a lot like Sid "The Bull" Thorton as he ran roughshod over hapless New Orleans defenders. This, of course, prompted the cerebral Collinsworth to dub him "Bettis Jr." Collinsworth then recited another Bengals story from the early 80's.

-Oh yeah, Big Ben looked like Big Ben.

The Genius of Littlefield

Pirate GM David Littlefield is vindicated, if for just one day. Last night, against the Cincy Reds, newly acquired journeyman pitcher Matt Morris revealed a small portion of the Littlefield mastermind. When Morris clocked a homer on his first at bat as a Pirate, the world saw the true genius of David Littlefiled, and the confounding deal started making more sense.

"This is what we had hoped for", boasted Littlefield as he signed a requisition form for 25,000 Matt Morris bobbleheads. "I figured, our hitters can't hit, and our pitchers can't pitch, so maybe we need to get pitchers who can hit". "This could be the start of something really big, or it may backfire, like most of our other plans, it's just too early to tell."


I will keep you posted on this newest saga.


Morris was acquired for his offensive skills

Quick Hitters:

• Is it just me, or do all the Pirate homers now come from Sanchez and Paulino?


• Matt Capps getting rocked hard last night.


• Steeler season officially opens tonight in Canton, OH!

SILVER EDITION

Copycatting yet another move by my buddies at Dumbass, I would like to spend a moment and chest beat a bit about my 25th career post! Now, by virtue of my handy dandy Casio calculator, I figured this: 25 posts x 1.5 hours (the average length to write a post) = 37.5 hours in post writing. Add in the 2 hours to give this puppy it's fancy look, and the 10 hours I have spent listening to Toney harp on about how shitty the blog is, ...I think I have invested about 50 hours into this pursuit. That's 50 less hours of self bettering activities like working out, learning Hebrew, origami, or just surfing porn.

To honor my silver post, I wanted to make a list of my favorite 25's, in terms of Western PA sports...

8. Ron Shanklin. Before there was Swann, before there was Stallworth,...there was Shanklin. I put Shank on my list because he was the guy who was in like every third pack of football cards. I couldn't get a single Franco but I had 7 Shanklins and 9 Gerry Mullins cards. Oh, he also made the Pro Bowl in 1973.

the Shanklin card is the story of my life

7. Adam LaRoche. I love this guy because of the controversy he adds to everyday life. People are so furious with the top brass because of him, yet they were equally pissed when we were stymied on our first attempt to get him. Mark these words, he's going to put up some numbers...someday.

6. Bruce Kison. Great Bucco. One of the key pitchers on the 70's teams. Pitched for both the '71 and '79 WS teams. A 1.98 post season ERA, although he did get shellacked in his one start in the '79 WS. Questionable durability, however, and a bit whiny. Oh, for those that underscore Kison's importance in 1979: the Buccos were 10-1 in his last 11 starts.


Kison lost points for the "gay porn star" look in this photo

5. Fred McAfee. A poster child for the depth of the 90's Cowher rosters. Top notch special teamer. A little more size and I bet this guy has a Pro bowl or two as a featured back somewhere.

Special teams warrior

4. Bobby Bonilla. This is strictly for the Double Dumb Ass guys. I was never a big fan of BoNegro. You can't argue his numbers, though. I will always remember, with great fondness, when the newly rich Bobby Boo (as a Met) had to wear ear plugs to drown out the din of hatred.

Bobby Bo was devastated when he learned that Bonds will beat him to 756 homers.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates circa 1925. This team kicked ass. The '25 Bucs led the league in batting, homers, doubles, triples, runs, and even ATTENDANCE! This was a championship team led by Hall of Famers Pie Traynor and Kiki Cuyler. God, what a difference 82 years makes. This team also had some bizarre names. In addition to Pie and Kiki, they had a Babe, Mule, Red, Emil, Clyde, Fresco, and Stuffy. Stuffy???

2. Curt Warner. Ok, not Black and Gold, but I am a PSU grad, and this guy rocked. Arguably the best tailback ever produced in Happy Valley. Huge contributor to the 1982 Nat'l Championship team. Injuries cut this guy short, but he still had some monster years in the NFL. By the way, when you say the name Curt Warner in Central PA, no one thinks of the bearded journeyman quarterback.


this guy could flat out run

1. Kevin Stevens. Was there any doubt? This guy was the prototype power forward long before the Philly chicks went wet in the crotch for John LeClair. Stevens was the bullet that came out of Mario's gun, and a colossal part of the cup teams. Unfortunately, he joins a long list of tragic Pittsburgh sports figures. The major "breaking his face" injury, then more injuries, then the crack/hooker/stolen money debacle really closed out a one time brilliant career. I will always remember Stevens in his circa 1992 form, a real top notch forward. Oh, check out this youtube clip of Stevens and Trot calling out Brian Bellows. Whoever said hockey players were gentlemen?



eventually Stevens would trade goal scoring for crack and hookers.